The Most Boring Blog Post Ever (AKA I'm Old)

I apologize in advance for this post, as most of you will be bored out of your minds. The rest of you probably relate a little and it will make you smile-- no chuckles guaranteed!

Thus begins the most boring blog post ever, also known as: 

I got together with some gals from college (in fact, I call them "the girls") this past weekend. We've been out for a few years now and had a stark realization: experiencing college and talking about college are two very different things.

 College! Yay!

"College" according to us old folk.

We quickly realized we are old. One of us is married. Two own houses. Two of us have master's degrees. We've held multiple jobs between the five of us.

...and at least a dozen times this weekend we stopped ourselves in the middle of a conversation to say, "What are we talking about? When did we get old?"

I don't have a lot to say about most of these, so I won't. I only reiterate: Most boring post. Ever. (For you, the viewer. I, for one, am quite amused!)

Pretentious, boring, and old. That's us. We talked a LOT about each of our benefit packages, where are careers are headed, and about our hypothetical children. What's weird is that I wasn't bored: I was completely interested. I had a great time, in fact.

The fact that I was NOT bored only proves my point: 

I'm old. 

I would just say that I'm "growing up" rather than "old," but I've left out my most incriminating evidence:

I love hard candy. Especially Werther's Original. (My co-workers call them "old man mints.")

If that doesn't scream, "Hi! I'm 84!" I don't know what else does.

Still More Quotes from Work...

Hi. I'm not dead. I'm just busy. Which is kind of like dead.

I'm sorry for the neglect, but working 70+ hour weeks for the last three weeks has put a damper on my funny time. I still don't have funny time, but that doesn't mean I should leave you hanging any longer... I found some comics I'd made before. So now... STILL MORE QUOTES FROM WORK!

<<The lack of a title photo is evidence of how very little effort I've put into this post.>>

My mom must be really proud to know that I handle crisis situations at work so decisively and urgently. (*That's called "sarcasm.")

 My self-awareness is usually pretty good, but my campus activities life has put me a little out of touch with most other normal people. I actually had this conversation with a friend... Seriously, people. Get to know more magicians. You'll love it. They do magic. And they're starved for attention. You'll never find a more entertaining conversationalist.

 I do this every year. I literally budget $1,000 for pancakes. And every year, they toss pancakes at me as fast as they can and I catch none of them. So many dollars wasted on the floor... 

 Somehow dancing around at night in a bunch of foam makes people feel like taking their clothes off. Some things you just can't unsee...

This quote is 100% accurate. What is wrong with me? "Oh, I'm on my death bed, but people will be so mad without their free shirts?" 

So many stories to tell, so little time... Somebody call my boss and tell him to give me a break. Sometimes comics are just more important. 

See y'all!

Jobs I've Dreamed About

Yep. That's me as an 80's pop star. Maybe I watched too much JEM as a kid. Maybe I really like big hair. Maybe I feel like neon colors and leg warmers don't get the props they deserve. Who knows? It just seems like it would be a fun job to have-- making it one of my many dream jobs.


I can't lie. I really like my real job. It's pretty neat and the more I talk to other people, the more I realize how lucky I am that my job is interesting. Covering all the weird stuff I do on a day-to-day basis is a whole other blog post in and of itself, but here's a brief summary:

 *My actual office. Notice Joe Manganiello there on the left on the cover of "Muscle & Body." Other people have stress balls, I have a magazine cover (much like 13 yr old girls have). And yes, I really did order little Caucasian babies.


Anyway, no matter how neat my job my be, I think everybody has moments when they think: "Hey, I could do that!"

I would LOVE to read books on tape. I don't really know what that entails, but I DO know that I like to read and I'm good at reading out loud. (When I was a student teacher, I specifically didn't choose certain kids to read aloud because I thought I might accidentally take a nap while they read their paragraph.) 


I'm also pretty good at cartoon voices and accents (see my True Blood alter ego with the southern accent).


Mostly I want to read books on tape because it seems like it would be the least stressful job in the world. What is there to mess up? Just read and record it again. It's not like anyone can make you read any faster. And the job security? Amazing. People are going blind from staring at computer screens everyday and lazy people would rather listen to books in the car than actually crack open a book. I'm keeping this job in my back pocket for later.


 When I was in high school I worked at a Hallmark in my hometown. I loved it. It smelled like cinnamon and there were adorable things everywhere. The most stressful it got was when we first put out Christmas ornaments for sale. No, I'm not kidding. 


The clientele? Little old ladies with Werther's Originals in their pockets -OR- panicked looking young men looking for either "birthday - mother" or "troubled relationship" cards. If any of them gave me grief? BAM! Smell that cinnamon and try to be cranky. Still no? BAM! Check out that gold crown sticker. Oh yeah. Nothing but the best.

 My true dream job, the one I'm really pulling for, is to be a cupcake shop owner. Who doesn't like cupcakes? And who doesn't like baking cupcakes? It's a done deal. I've even started a business plan.

 Unfortunately my dream has hit a few snags.
 Baking from scratch like real bakeries do? Turns out that's not really my thing. So I improvise.
 Snag #2? Turns out I can't really decorate cupcakes. Nobody's going to want to buy a cupcake that isn't cute or doesn't look appetizing.

 But I've even got a solution for that snafu: Drunk people will eat just about anything.

 My favorite place that's overrun with drunkies? Bourbon Street in New Orleans, LA. And what else do those drunkies like? (Stop reading kiddos!) Beads and nudity. 


I figure that based on pure novelty alone, I could sell cupcakes on Bourbon Street as long as: (1) they look like pricks, boobies, or butts; (2) are baked with booze; or (3) include profanity.
 In my eyes, my cupcake shop really can't fail. A brief SWOT analysis clearly demonstrates that I've compensated for any of my shortcomings-- all I see is opportunity (and maybe the threat of someone stealing my idea since I'm posting it all over the interwebs). The equation is simple:

 That's basically my life plan in a nutshell. One day when I finally snap, I'm going to just drive myself down to New Orleans and open up my cupcake shop. What could possibly go wrong?