July 4th Celebration Guide

Happy July 4th, everybody! I thought I'd share a handy guide to celebrating the holiday right.

As usual, I'd like to start with a disclaimer. Who am I write a guide and make suggestions about how you celebrate Independence Day? The nerve of me!

All I have to say is that I may be...

...But I'm

So don't you forget it.

Let the guide begin!

Things I Say at Work... Duty Phone Edition

Since I'll be heading to New Orleans for the ACUHO-I Annual Conference in a week, I thought it would be appropriate to share a post that my res life friends will appreciate!

I say lots of weird things at work and I try to take note or make the little comic panel after they happen so I have a little stockpile of funny things to post if I don't have a funny story to tell. I've only worked in the res life realm for a couple of years, so I just have to say: If you think THESE are funny, you need to talk to my colleagues. I guarantee they have better stories.

First, for those of you who aren't familiar with on-call schedules or duty phones, let me paint you a picture (aka draw you a crappy illustration in photoshop):

When the duty phone rings, it is undoubtedly 3AM (+/- an hour or two) and I am in a dead sleep. The person on the other end of the line is presumably awake, alert, and all jazzed up from responding to some sort of situation. I, on the other hand, consider myself lucky if I even hear the phone ring, in which case it takes me a few moments to recognize the sound and then that little sense of panic sets in. Once I answer, the other person usually starts rattling off what's going on, what they need me for, etc. I, of course, respond with a very professional, "Wait, what?" Then they explain again. Then I try to respond with some logical, University-approved response.

Needless to say, this is the perfect storm for funny/strange conversations. Here are just a few...

 My least favorite duty call is the 3AM update. If you're just updating me, couldn't you email me or call at a time when I might feasibly be awake?


Worse than that is the pointless update. I literally got a call from a new security officer once just to tell me he saw someone fall off a bike and he thought it was funny. No squad run. No injuries. Just hilarity, I guess. I don't appreciate undergoing heart palpitations for this kind of call.

Bet you haven't been asked to be a bat bagger at work. 


This was a legitimate call, and I clearly wasn't particularly helpful. An HR called to ask me to catch a bat in his hall. Some people don't do windows; I don't do germ-infested bats. Imagine a dozen first year women shrieking in the background and you've got an accurate picture. 


I just find it funny that anybody would think that they could call and make this request of me. Ask me what to do, perfectly natural. Tell me to bust out bat-catching skills? Sorry, buddy, they didn't cover that in grad school! I'll gladly tell you who to call instead!


*Note this story is often repeated, though the animals may change. Birds and squirrels are popular characters!

The return phone call. I see a missed call, I call back, this happens. Lesson learned? My staff is full of jerks. ;)

 I'll never understand why people pee anywhere but in toilets. 


Also, I'd like to take a moment to point out that the duty phone is a cell phone, but that my poor drawing skills made the cell phone look like a blob on my face. Do they even make phones that look like this anymore?

Bet you've never said this at work. Weird trying to explain different levels of PDA to a 20-yr-old. That's what I do as a student affairs administrator: I educate. :)

Like I said, I have friends who have much funnier stories than mine-- if you're looking to be entertained, call up an old RA and ask him/her to share their most ridiculous res life story. 

Happy July, everybody! 
URKHXAMAWZVC 

The Day I Couldn't Get My Hair Cut

Sorry it's been so long, folks! Don't worry about me; I'm just busy being funny somewhere else. Hardy har har!

It's been about a month, so I figure it's about time I tell everyone about:

As a woman (or, more accurately, as LeeAnne), sometimes I decide that I'm in desperate need of a haircut. I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. The very feel of the hair on my head makes me want to puke. Once these feelings mature into self-loathing, it is imperative that a haircut occurs within 60 min or all hell breaks loose. Imagine my horror when my plans were halted by a tornado of all things. Mother Nature herself was playing a major role in my misery.

Before I go on...

*(AP photo from Joplin, MO) I completely understand that this entire post is petty and insensitive, like most low forms of humor. I really do feel lucky that there WASN'T a tornado and that my only gripe is that my hair was unkempt for a few more days. I don't mean to take away from the tragedy of the tornadoes that have been tearing through the nation-- just trying to comment on a comical situation. 

At any rate, I was fortunate enough to be in civilization when my sudden desire for a haircut struck. On whim, I acted on it.

Up to this point, it registered only remotely that I'd heard tornado sirens in the distance. However, when I walked into the hair salon, I was greeted with a stylist who was completely panic-stricken. She literally kicked me out of the store.

I was disgruntled, having grown up in the boondocks where we foolishly ignore warnings because they're sounded by p******* who don't know how to weather a storm (AKA where we're completely ignorant and have irrational views on mortality). I wasn't downtrodden for long, though. 

I would soon learn...

*This photo is actually from my hometown. The cat man is a regular ol' celebrity on PoW. 

So my friend and I walked across the parking lot to Walmart, sure we could at least accomplish something before we headed home... We were wrong.

We were literally told that if we "crossed the threshold" that we would be escorted to the break room. I had completely forgotten about wanting to get a haircut and now was focused singularly on my urgent need to pee. I could see the restroom from where we stood, but my pleas were ignored. NO, we could not just come in and pee. We could enter or take our chances. At this point, I started to think maybe this was something serious.

...But I had only just started to think it was serious, so I wasn't completely there yet. Thus began a conversation that could have determined the future of our young lives:

So, of course, we crossed the threshold.

And we really were walked all the way back to the break room. When I dallied to look at some flippy floppies, I was chastised and pushed onward. This was serious stuff.

And when we got to the breakroom, we discovered...

...Paradise.

It was spacious, they had a big screen tv, their own private bathrooms (*which I used), well-stocked vending machines... Heck, they even gave us water and oreos! (The employees had Sunkist, but I didn't protest. The customer always comes first... unless you're asked to risk your life in the service of Walmart. In which case: just drink the effin' Sunkist. Go ahead and keep it to yourself.)

So we sat on the floor and made new friends and planned our new life in the post-tornado Walmart.

We decided that we would take over the first aid aisle and form alliances with non-perishable foods. Everyone left in No Man's Land wouldn't have had a chance. 

A little boy across from me played his DS the entire time and we discussed all the neat things that could happen if the tornado hit. Overall, we decided we'd get really wet and grumpy. Needless to say, the seriousness of the situation had waned considerably for me by this point.

True to my generation, I tweeted every fifteen minutes or so because surely everyone was very concerned about me. After a while, I realized that I'd probably regret all those tweets and jokes if something really DID happen, so I took great care to consider my legacy and what would be remembered of me.

After an hour, they set us free. I bought toilet paper and I had completely forgotten about my need for a hair cut. I'd had an adventure and had a good day...

And then...

Kidding! But as I joked again and again about the tornado, I had a very distinct vision of every other car in the parking lot being perfectly fine and mine being utterly destroyed thanks to karma. Lucky for me it seems God and/or Mother Nature is numb to my sarcasm and I made it home safely.

I had to wait an entire week to get my hair cut after that. The tornado sirens went off AGAIN, but my stylist promised to keep cutting until the power went out or the tornado hit. Now THAT is dedication to a job.