Holiday Greetings for 2014

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

This being the first night of Hanukkah (Chanukah? Chanukkah?) and my lack of posts for such a long time, I decided it was time for holiday greetings!!! For those of you who, like me: (1) have yet to mail a single card; (2) feel a little weird about being grown-up and sending cards; and (3) don't like the generic cards available in my price range, you're in luck! I've made a few designs of my own! They're great for me because they're free and funny and I didn't actually print them so I don't have to worry about sending them anywhere. (Somewhere I know my plan is flawed, but here we are anyway.)

1. Real Talk

Y'all, I know you think I'm too old to be broke but you're wrong. It's time for real talk. Send checks. Cash. Money orders. 

I mean, that's selfish and makes me feel guilty because Christmas and all. So send those things to a charity of your choice. Personally, I totally dig St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. And so do Jennifer Aniston and Jon Hamm, so it's gotta be good.

2. The Obligatory "Elf" Card

For those holiday movie purists out there, boo hiss, go watch "It's a Wonderful Life". (Another movie that I love, btw.) Elf is chock full of one-liners and quotes that spread Christmas cheer almost as well as singing loud for all to hear. (See what I did there?)

For legal reasons, I should point out I own nothing that has to do with "Elf" and I'm making no money off of this card so there.

3. Puppy Love

Aw, but adorable little farts they are.

For legal reasons, I should probably point out that I DO own this little Boston, so respect it. Creative commons copyright and all that-- share but refer back! Or may the copyright gods come down on you swiftly and with lots of stinky farts.

4. Stay Golden

What better gift is there than friendship? Nothing.

Enjoy the intro and get ALL the warm fuzzies. You know you want to sing along.
(*I also don't own the Golden Girls, but they do own my heart. Sigh.)

5. The Perfect Card for Other Twenty-Something Single Folks

I know I've limited my audience here. But sometimes to truth is so very real that it's worth it.

Feel free to print these if you feel like paying for that (I can't imagine you would) or using your ink that way (in which case, sorry for the colored backgrounds). I made them as 5x7's so there! If you're awful nice, I'll even send a full res file your way. (Aw, shucks!)

Happy holidays, y'all. I hope you get to spend them with people you love doing things you love and over-indulging in good things. Only good things!

Top 10 Things to Know About Mardi Gras

The Top 10 Things You Need to Know About Mardi Gras(From Someone Who Isn't From Around Here)*

*Who, by the way, consulted absolutely no one before she made this list and who, incidentally, is completely uninterested in any arguments or corrections. So, there's that.

Disclaimer: I've been here for two Carnival seasons and I'm not really an expert but that isn't stopping me from telling you all about it. Most of y'all aren't from NOLA either, so you don't know any better and I'll gladly impart my knowledge upon you!!

First of all, YES that is Daryl from the Walking Dead on a Mardi Gras float. Zombies, I hope you enjoyed your hey day, because Daryl was too busy tossing beads to kill you. Which brings me to item #10 on my list of things to know:

#10. Celebrities Freaking Love Mardi Gras

It's true. Mardi Gras is as star-studded an event as any awards show. Celebs are always parading as grand marshals or krewe royalty or what have you. This year they include:

• Norman Reedus ("The Walking Dead")
• Ian Somerhalder ("Vampire Diaries")
• Carrie Underwood
• Hugh Laurie ("House")
• Will Smith
• Quentin Tarantino

Whatever. You get it. It's a big deal.

#9. King Cake: It's What's for Dinner

There's no escaping King Cake during Mardi Gras. It's the only time the treat is (*or SHOULD BE) available, so it's literally everywhere. Every office at work, in every store, handed out by strangers in the street. You can try to fight it, but why? IT'S SO GOOD!

If you are what you eat, then for two months of the year I'm purple, green, and gold sugar with a little pastry and cinnamon on the side.

#8. Context Is Everything

For those of you outside of New Orleans this time of year, you probably hand over plastic beads to little kids playing dress up and think of cheap stuffed animals as bad carnival prizes. Don't fret-- we feel that way, too. UNLESS, of course, that cheap trinket is thrown from a float. Suddenly it becomes precious as gold. Context, I tell you, is EVERYTHING.

And the bigger the trinket? Cheap though it may be, there will be BLOOD. Seriously, I almost fought an old man for a medallion. A plastic necklace with a plastic disc attached. And if it lights up? Oh, buddy. I NEED IT. 

#7. It's Good to Be Adorable

Seriously, you want to know who gets all the good stuff? Kids. And, less common but just and popular, nuns and adorable old ladies. As an average parade goer, your only option is to seek out these adorable folks and try to poach their throws. 

What? Don't judge me. I have no shame. The old folks have had their day and kids gotta learn sometime that life is hard.

There is, however, one less seedy option for getting the goods...

#6. Witty People Will Out

The only hope for the average Joe to get some goodies is to sport a witty or outrageous costume or make a witty sign. I want to be clear, I didn't make it to Muses this year (*work) so illustrating cartoon LeeAnne in this bit is just a pipe dream because I am so epically jealous of the woman who made this sign and got not one, not two, but SIX shoes. 

It gets boring up there (or so I'm told-- I've only ridden in a dinky Mardi Gras parade around campus, so I have no idea) so anything that catches a rider's eye, challenges them, or makes them laugh is win-win for all.

#5. Nothing Is Weird Here

I also considered naming #5 "Read carefully" because yes, you read right. If you read this warning in the Midwest, you'd probably be quite alarmed. Not here. It's everyday language.

I've said before that anything goes in NOLA. That goes double for Mardi Gras. 

#4. Plan Ahead

You best plan ahead, y'all, because you ain't getting anything done on Mardi Gras day. Grocery shopping? Nope. Run some errands? No way. Grab a bite to eat? Forget it! The entire city of New Orleans shuts down for Mardi Gras. It's a holiday at work-- the university is closed. But not anywhere else. Because everywhere else, it's Tuesday.

I take that back. Last year, we drove around for an hour or so until we found a little Thai joint that was open. That might not seem like much time, but considering how many restaurants there are per capita around here, that's plenty. Let's just say we passed a lot of "CLOSED" signs and our tummies rumbled for a long time.

#3. Mardi Gras Knows How to Jam

When you turn on the radio each winter, you know it's officially the holiday season by the time the sax solo chimes in to "Last Christmas." Christmas has a soundtrack hundreds of songs deep-- but I'm telling you: the holiday soundtrack doesn't end after that! Mardi Gras has a prolific list of songs itself. 

It's not Carnival without "Mardi Gras Mambo" or Professor Longhair's "Go to the Mardi Gras"-- these songs instill more holiday cheer than any Christmas carol.

Want to listen along? Here's a great Mardi Gras playlist on Spotify: New Orleans / Louisiana (Mardi Gras) music

#2. Master the Vocabulary

Sometimes I'm pretty sure that people here in New Orleans make up words just to see who will go along with it. That educated guess aside, there are a lot of words associated with Mardi Gras that I never used before moving here. Here's an extremely abbreviated list for you foreigners:

• carnival (or carnivale) - the official term for Mardi Gras season, from Twelfth Night (the twelfth day of Christmas matters here) through Mardi Gras day
• doubloons - coins some krewes give away; there's much debate as to their worth, but I like them until I inevitably lose them
• krewe - a group of folks who put on Carnival parades or balls (See also: Micro-krewe and Super Krewe)
• ladders - not just for home improvement jobs, special ladders with seats and wheels are set up for the little ones to sit on for a good viewing/catching spot
• Mardi Gras - officially, "Fat Tuesday" (the day before Ash Wednesday and Lent), but unofficially the name for the entire season
• micro-krewe - a "krewe" that puts on a smaller parade whose floats are often shopping carts, bikes, or small trailers. Chewbacchus is my favorite--it's sci-fi themed and goes right past my old place!
• riders - those nice masked folks who throw goodies at you
• super-krewe - a big ol' krewe with thousands of riders and double decker floats. Endymion is my favorite because their Pontchartrain Beach float is a gigantic, sparkly, fiber-optic paradise.
• throw - the goodies you get from Mardi Gras parades
• "Throw me something, mister!" - the Mardi Gras creed; may the throws be ever in your favor

#1. Do Whatcha Wanna!

Rebirth says it best: DO WHATCHA WANNA! Mardi Gras is all about having a great time! People are nicer during Mardi Gras than any other time of year. You look parched? Have a beer. You haven't caught anything? Have these glorious beads. You lost your phone? Why, here you are!

I digress to tell you my very own Mardi Gras miracle: On the way back from a parade route, a friend and I came across a track. OBVIOUSLY we had to race back to the car... and apparently fling my phone out of purse along the way. We discovered it was missing when we got back to the car and headed back to search. We called once and a gentleman had it and was waiting for someone to come looking for it.

That's right folks. He didn't steal it, break it, or ignore it. He figured someone would come back for it. 

Mardi Gras blessings upon that man-- may his car never be towed, may his beers always be cold, and may his kids catch the best throws from every parade.

Enough talk: It's Lundi Gras, y'all! HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!

My Gift to You: The All-Purpose Holiday Card

Pumped to see people are still reading this (even if it's only to read what I have to say about bar skanks)-- in gratitude, I've made a holiday card for y'all to use. 

Being in the middle of Hanukkah and on the heels of Festivus/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Boxing Day/etc, I'm in the giving mood. In the name of inclusivity, I've made the card so that you can personalize it for your holiday needs.

(Card Front)

(Card Interior)

I did my best to express whatever sentiments you may be feeling this holiday season. Sending a card to your Jewish schoolteacher? Print this card and check off the "Happy" and the "Hanukkah". Stewing over your terrible break-up? Write in "Horrifying" and check "Apocalypse" and you're set. Need something for that co-worker who you don't know very well? Wish them "Festive" "Holidays." That's how truly versatile this card is.

Think of all the money you're saving, printing just one card instead of buying a variety of them. (If you want to go fancy with this, you can print custom 5"x7" cards at Vistaprint at 20 for $14.99. Yes, of course I checked.)

You're welcome.

(*Like this card? I also made a newsletter for singles to send to their families before holiday gatherings. I'll be sending them together this year.)

Happy Awkward Holidays, Vol. 4

New Year's Eve is one of the weirdest holidays that we celebrate-- even holidays like Boxing Day (a very practical holiday) and President's Day (a commemorative day off of work) make more sense. Why, you ask? Because at least those holidays have a purpose. 


New Year's Eve is the most. Depressing. Holiday. Ever. 
(Do you like how I used punctuation to let you know how to read that aloud? Me, too.)


I'm not the only one who thinks so, either. For Pete's sake, I even found an online NYE survival guide. SURVIVAL GUIDE?! Not only is it depressing, apparently it's LIFE-THREATENING, too!!!


But I digress-- I didn't post this just to ramble. I've introduced my argument, now I present:

THE EVIDENCE

First of all, I'd like to say that I believe that there are only two ways to celebrate NYE, and neither are very good choices.

 The first way to celebrate? Get together with other people (friends or strangers, who cares?) and get crunked! To make it classy, you'll wear your new Christmas clothes and drink champagne. It doesn't really matter what you do, because you won't even remember anyway.

Need I say more? We've all been here. Or maybe it's just me, but I'll include all of you in this to make me feel better. Depressing.

As for being single on NYE? It's like all the awkwardness from Thanksgiving through Christmas condensed into one evening. There are only two traditions associated with this holiday: (1) watching something drop from the sky at midnight (e.g.,the giant ball in Times Square) and (2) kissing someone at midnight. That's completely shutting out all of us single folks. Frankly, it's worse than Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day somehow created an alternative Singles Awareness Day, so single people can all bond together and hate on anyone who isn't single. Not on NYE! No, on NYE singles are left to fend for themselves all on their own.

Where all my people at on NYE?! There's no party just for single people. Nope. They're either home alone or at a party awkwardly standing around trying not to look at everyone else making out at midnight. Or they're kissing strangers and we won't associate with that type. Depressing.

Then there's the business of New Year's resolutions.

There's nothing like saying, "Wow, I'm sure not at all satisfied with this year in my life-- I think I'll completely change my living habits!" to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

But the kicker is the idea of celebrating the year being over. Why not celebrate on New Year's?! It's so exciting! A new year! Wonderful! How often do we celebrate things being done? Hmmm.

There. I've stated my case. Go forth and try not to be too bummed on Saturday night. I hear Dick Clark has a pretty rockin' eve planned. (Hardy har har.)

Happy New Year's Eve, y'all!!!

LeeAnne's Best Christmas Gifts

1989 - PJ Sparkles

I don't remember much about being three years old, but I do remember wanting PJ Sparkles with my entire toddler being. I will never forget that Santa hid that doll behind the couch in my parents' family room-- I tore open the paper and was officially as happy as I'd ever been. Or so I'm guessing, since I remember it so well today. I'm guessing this would be the happy memory that would help make my patronus. (I'm such a NERD.)


1990 - Cupcake Dolls

Best. Dolls. Ever.They smelled like cupcakes. When you were done playing with them, they rolled up so that they looked like cupcakes. I mean, it was a LITTLE weird that they didn't have any legs or anything, but if I could roll up like that, I totally would!


1994 - "The Lion King" Soundtrack & the Polly Pocket Victorian Mansion

Christmas 1994 was quite possibly the most epic Christmas ever. I didn't get just one favorite present, but TWO. The Lion King soundtrack was my first CD. I don't even think that I owned a disc man or a CD player, but who cares? My first compact disc was 12 songs of academy-award winning glory. 
Do I even need to say anything about the Polly Pocket Victorian Mansion? There was no greater (or more choke-able) toy in the '90s than Polly, and this was no heart-shaped house. It was a full, multi-story mansion. Even as I type this, I can feel the joy spreading from my heart to this post. Oh yeah. I'm that serious.


1999 - Bass Guitar

I loved my bass guitar, and though I don't play it any more, I still have it and it gives me warm fuzzies. Years of playing crappy Blink 182 covers and "Barracuda" in my friend Amanda's basement were too fun for words. Watch out for a Miffed Papas reunion tour. It will be even more terrible than the first time around. :)


2002 - Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker

Alright, this is by no means my favorite Zelda game. BUT it was the first Zelda game that was MINE, ALL MINE! Not to be too nerdy, but all of my life I remember my family playing Zelda together, so whenever I hear about Link or Hyrule or Zelda, it makes me really happy. 


2004 - Light Up Gumball Machine (with Jelly Beans)

I'll be honest, I didn't have this gumball machine for very long, but I don't know any gift that made me laugh harder-- and I LOVE to laugh! It was my first Christmas with my college floormates and my roommate got me this. She couldn't find any gumballs, so I had to rock the entire thing back and forth about a million times before one would make it to the bottom. I don't care if it doesn't sound funny, it was HILARIOUS.


2009 - "The Office" Desk Calendar

Firstly, I'm not entirely sure why I imagined myself to have a crappy flip phone in 2009, but it's probably right. I was late on the smartphone train.
My friend Renee bought me a desk calendar for Christmas... Unfortunately, we didn't see each other and remember to bring our gifts until about June. We laughed for hours reading through quotes from the Office until we got caught up to the right date. (Okay, in reality, I think we just made it through the month of January and then I ripped off the big chunk, but still, lots of laughs.)


2006-Present - Ornaments

 I love traditions, I love the feeling of having roots, and I love nostalgia. Since 2006, my college friends and I have exchanged ornaments with one another instead of other gifts. Some years the ornaments are kitschy, some years they are fancy, but they're always heartwarming. It always tears me up to put up my tree and see all of those memories. Besides, my tree looks AWESOME.


2011 (anticipated) - THE BEST GIFT EVER!!!

So maybe I'm jumping the gun, but I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want this. It is a MAGIC WAND and a universal remote control. Say what?! Oh, yes. I need this. Just buy me an Amazon.com giftcard and email it to me. I can take it from there. ;)
**UPDATE** Holy schnikes, my friends Cory & Katrina got it for me and it is EVEN MORE AWESOME than I ever imagined!!! BEST CHRISTMAS EVER (and it hasn't even happened yet)!

Happy Awkward Holidays, Vol. 3

Alright, here it is: I'm single. I'm really good at it, too, which is probably why I'm still single. I'd much rather do things for myself, and apparently partners need to feel "wanted" or something. Whatever. Pshaw. 


The fact of the matter is that I like being single. There are lots of awesome things about it:

• I have a lot more money (no one to buy tokens for, no need to travel about spending money doing extra things like eating or being entertained).
• I have a lot more free time (no one to have to check in with when I want a weekend away, no one to hurry home to).
• I have a lot more folks to use my womanly wiles on (any attractive man, rather than just one man).

There are some pitfalls to being single, too:

• There's nobody to check that creepy noise in the house except for me.
• There's nobody there when I want snuggle time. (Roommates tend to frown upon that, even if I do agree to be the big spoon.)
• During the holidays, people make me feel about an inch tall for being single. I mean, what's wrong with us, single ladies? Are we spinsters? Are we self-centered? Are we grotesque??

No, no, no, no, no. I am pretty awesome, and the fact that no one has "put a ring on it" yet has no bearing on my awesomeness. To keep people from asking me about it, I've prepared special holiday greetings this year. Feel free to adapt it for your own purposes; just comment and I'll send you an unused version.

Happy Awkward Holidays, Vol. 2

I considered subtitling this post "Modge Podge and Glitter" instead, but in the spirit of "We Bought a Zoo," I decided to go with the most descriptive subtitle. The refined art of lacking subtlety or mystery is underrated these days.


Anyway, the prologue: Since college, my "girls" and I have been getting together for Christmas at Jill's parents' house to decorate for the holiday and all that. It's a fun tradition, similar enough each year to pull at our heart strings but evolving enough to keep us interested in attending. We exchanged gifts at first, and after two years of failing miserably at that, we switched to buying each other ornaments. I brought a craft for us to do last year, and after that was a success, we switched to each of us bringing in a craft. And that brings us to today's post.


You may not have caught that at first: EACH ONE OF US brought in a craft. That is a lot of crafting. 


WE CRAFTED FOR FOUR HOURS.

• Keep breast milk out unrefrigerated before it goes bad.
• Watch “Gone with the Wind” (3 hrs, 46 min).
• Run a marathon.
• Draw comics for your blog.
• Take an extra long nap.
• Work a day at a part-time job.
• Watch four episodes of “The Walking Dead.”
• Troll Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest/Etsy/your web-based procrastination station of choice.
• Build a living room’s worth of IKEA furniture.
• Not get a healthy amount of sleep. (6+ hours!)
• Build a shed.
• Digest and absorb a well-rounded meal (3-4 hours).
• Read a book.
• Go on a hot air balloon ride.
• Fly from London to the South of France.
• Read Life as LeeAnne Knows It. (Kidding. You’d have to read it about a dozen times to fill four hours!)
• Play a game of Risk or Monopoly or some other frustrating board game.
• CRAFT.

Don't get me wrong, I love crafting. My Pinterest DIY board makes me extremely happy.

I friggin' love Pinterest.

But crafting can get away from you. Some things are easy to do, some are difficult, but they all take time. Lots and lots of time.

180 Christmas crafts that would have been easier and less time-consuming than the ones we chose.

We started out with a simple, pre-packaged craft: jingle bell ornaments. Or, at least we thought it was simple.

Craft-induced identity crisis.

Needless to say, that didn't bode well for the remaining 3 hours and 56 minutes we spent crafting. Those ended up looking alright, though, if a little like Nicki Minaj.

Difficult as the crafts may have been, we all had fun and Jackie especially attempted each craft with a lot of fervor.

 Us applying stray adhesive to our ornaments.

Jackie applying spray adhesive to her ornaments.

 Us applying glitter to our ornaments.

Jackie applying glitter to her ornaments.

Unfortunately, enthusiasm doesn't always make things better. Especially after hours of crafting, it's difficult to maintain both enthusiasm and skill.

Even the worst of crafts ended up looking adorable and awesome, though.* That's the glory of crafting, the imperfections really DO add character. (*I want to note that by the end of the night, my crafts were neither adorable nor awesome, but we'll skirt over my short attention span and complete lack of patience.)

Enthusiasm backfired for Jackie in unexpected ways, too. 

Turns out the spray adhesive cloud mixed with the glitter explosion gave Jackie a difficult time. :)

So, lessons learned:

• Four hours is too long to craft. Unless, of course, it's the holidays, then you'll be expected to craft as long as it's festive.
• LeeAnne really has only two good crafts in her, then the other go considerably downhill.
• Crafting is messy business, so be careful with the spray adhesive.
• There are a LOT of fumes from clouds of spray adhesive.
• Those fumes make crafting for so long a little more tolerable.

Thanks for a fun weekend, ladies! More awkward holidays to come!