Monday, May 5, 2014

Bacon: A Love Story

A few weeks (months? I don't know. I'm behind the times.) ago, Oscar Mayer introduced a new app to "Transform Your iPhone into a Bacon Scent Alarm Clock" and a Wake Up & Smell the Bacon Campaign. True to self, I didn't really read the parameters and thought that if I tweeted funny things to @oscarmayer, they'd be so enamored by my wit that they would surely send me the bacon device! (Moot point: I don't own an iPhone and wouldn't be able to use it.) Thus began my portfolio of bacon-related haiku.

Unfortunately, what they REALLY wanted me to do was send their stock tweets from their website so they could instantly tell me that I was a loser. That bored me instantly (and I knew my followers didn't want to read that drivel), so I immediately gave up on that.

My love affair with bacon, however, remains true and untainted by Oscar Mayer's blatant disregard for the passion we share. You may have crushed my dreams, Oscar, but not my love.

To you I present a few samples of smoky, crispy poetry.

Haiku #1: Bacon is the family you choose for yourself.

Haiku #2: Revenge is a great marinade for bacon. (AKA Sometimes I lie take poetic license because I think it's funny.)

Haiku #3: Sometimes it's okay to be clingy in a relationship.

Haiku #4: Pork Heaven - preferable to pork hell.

Haiku #5: Because bacon should know its place.

Haiku #6: True love is timeless.

I officially have written more love poetry to bacon than to any human being (except for maybe Kevin Richardson of the Backstreet Boys back when I was 13... little evidence of that remains, so the comparison is inconclusive). Mark this date in history. And sorry, boo boo, but bacon came first.