Official Gameplay Guide: SKITTLES

Skittles is a roadtrip game an obsession that my nephews introduced me to a few years ago on a family vacation. (For legal reasons, I suppose I should clarify that, to my knowledge, Skittles and Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company have absolutely nothing to do with this game and even less to do with my blog. Also, the Skittles.com website is probably the trippiest thing I've ever seen come from a candy corporation, so click there and enjoy that some other time.) This game is highly addictive, so proceed at your own risk.

I should also say that the rules that I'm about to explain to you are strictly my nephews' rules-- they are my judges and parliamentarians. If ever there is a question regarding gameplay, I text my sister to ask the boys for clarification. (We take skittles very seriously.)

At first glance, the game is very simple.

Who can't do that? Well, my colorblind boyfriend has some trouble with lime green cars, so I guess SOME people can't do that, but you get my point: this game is easy for most people to pick up. (*Don't worry about his colorblindness affecting his score-- my extremely short attention span is my handicap. He kicks my butt. Maybe also because he can pretend he thinks everything is yellow and I know nothing about colorblindness.)

Why is it fun? Well, you don't see many yellow cars on the road-- or at least not as many as you see other cars. Thus the search begins.

There are, however, restrictions:

These rules are mostly to keep people from monopolizing the game-- or from shouting too much. (Really, once you start looking, you'll want to shout "SKITTLES!" at every yellow thing you see. You'll start cursing Waffle House signs and parking dividers and every other unnecessarily yellow thing in society.)

Other clarifying notes from my nephews:

• Hovercraft, boats, lawnmowers, and motorcycles all are considered skittles.
• One may choose whether or not Penske moving trucks count at the beginning of a new game.
• Cars on cinder blocks that have no engine in them do NOT count.
• Cars that are parked DO count.
• Yellow-orange is NOT yellow.
• It is often necessary to denote which skittle one is calling. For example, "SKITTLES! MOTORCYCLE!" This eliminates confusion if more than one skittle is present.

There is a lot of debate in the family as to when the game ends. When someone gets out of the car? The next day? Whenever someone says so? My nephews, being the empowering type, let me know that I can decide for myself whenever I play the game.

So I did.

On the way to the beach one day, my friends and I were in the middle of an intense round of skittles. Being huge Harry Potter nerds, we decided the game should end in a Quidditch-like fashion.

That's right. The Holy Grail of skittles-- a person eating Skittles in a yellow car.

I immediately called my nephews and received their unanimous approval. (To be thorough, that's four (4) yea's and zero (0) nay's.) We had taken skittles to the next level. And now I proudly present it to you.

If you come up with questions while you're playing, let me know. I'll text the boys and have an answer for you soon.

Happy skittle hunting!!!

Riding Down Relationship River

So I have this metaphor about relationships that I'm pretty proud of (translation: that I talk about ALL the time). My friends and co-workers are probably pretty tired of hearing about it, so now I'm sharing it with everyone else-- and with them again, but this time with ILLUSTRATIONS! 

Relationship River is more of a journey than a destination. Like any river, it can be fun, relaxing, terrifying, or anything else all at some point as it runs its course. Or so I assume rivers go. I've watched a lot of "Pocahontas" in my day, and I hear that the great thing about rivers is that you can't step in the same river twice-- a river's always changing, always flowing. The point is: you never know what's around the riverbend. (See what I did there? If not, shame on you. Stop reading this blog. You don't deserve to read anymore.)

The point is, people have different methods for going down Relationship River.

Some people actively navigate Relationship River, steering around obstacles and generally having a good time.

Other people whitewater raft down Relationship River, actively seeking out drama and loving life. Good for them.

Even others speed through relationships, zooming through anyone who can't keep up.

Not me. I am none of those people.

If you're unfamiliar with "cabrewing," that's when people canoe or tube down a lazy river with a cooler full of booze in tow. (*Otherwise merely referred by some as "canoeing" or "tubing." To-may-to, to-mah-to, I say.)

I don't make this comparison to say that I have a drinking problem (though I live in New Orleans, so my perspective on healthy drinking habits may be a bit skewed). What I mean is that I am quite possibly the most passive person I know when it comes to relationships. I thoroughly enjoy just floating along, doing my thing and having a good time. If someone comes along, well that's just dandy! But otherwise, I'm good. 

That sounds awesome in theory, but often not in practice.

The biggest problem is that I don't really ever stop being passive. If someone bops into me on Relationship River, I'll tie on with them. Why not? Let's roll down the river together!

If I'm coupled with someone who actively works our way down the river, great. I just float along and see where he takes me! Usually that's to some great places. Eventually, though, he gets tired of doing all the work (Oops, sorry!) and cuts me off to go our separate ways down the river. It's inevitable. I'm over it.

Sometimes, though, I couple up with another cabrew-er.

Usually it's awesome at first. I'm down with relaxing and seeing wherever the river takes us. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!

Well, rivers are pretty awful places, that's what could go wrong! SO MANY HAZARDS TO NAVIGATE! When two cabrew-ers float along, they get caught up on rocks, flip over in rapids, and end up stranded on the shoreline and shriveling up in the sun.

It makes sense that time getting sunburnt and miserable on shore and outside of Relationship River ultimately kills the relationship. My problem? I'm lazy. And happy in my little ol' inner-tube. And, being with another cabrew-er, my partner usually ends up doing the same thing. So ultimately, we end up being miserable together for a while before we realize it and one of us eventually rolls away. 

I usually end up alone and sad on the shoreline for a few days, but I roll back into the river eventually, though, and get rehydrated and back to my old self. 

Moral of the story: I may stink at relationships, but I sure have a good time floating down Relationship River anyway! I still have hope that I'll find somebody to roll down the river with me before I plummet off of Crazy-Cat-Lady Falls!!!

Happy sailing, y'all!

My Gift to You: The All-Purpose Holiday Card

Pumped to see people are still reading this (even if it's only to read what I have to say about bar skanks)-- in gratitude, I've made a holiday card for y'all to use. 

Being in the middle of Hanukkah and on the heels of Festivus/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Boxing Day/etc, I'm in the giving mood. In the name of inclusivity, I've made the card so that you can personalize it for your holiday needs.

(Card Front)

(Card Interior)

I did my best to express whatever sentiments you may be feeling this holiday season. Sending a card to your Jewish schoolteacher? Print this card and check off the "Happy" and the "Hanukkah". Stewing over your terrible break-up? Write in "Horrifying" and check "Apocalypse" and you're set. Need something for that co-worker who you don't know very well? Wish them "Festive" "Holidays." That's how truly versatile this card is.

Think of all the money you're saving, printing just one card instead of buying a variety of them. (If you want to go fancy with this, you can print custom 5"x7" cards at Vistaprint at 20 for $14.99. Yes, of course I checked.)

You're welcome.

(*Like this card? I also made a newsletter for singles to send to their families before holiday gatherings. I'll be sending them together this year.)

Identity Crisis

Alright folks, it looks as though many of you anticipate an identity crisis in my future. New Orleans is going to make me an entirely different person?! That's news to me!

For those of you who don't know me well, let me paint you a picture (or crudely draw you a stick figure):

That's me. Pretty average, I know, but I like me a lot, so I'm happy with this picture.

What everyone else pictures, however, is a little more seedy (or depressing):

To be fair, my family also pictures me as this:

Copyright the History Channel

I have something else in mind:

LeeAnne's Best Christmas Gifts

1989 - PJ Sparkles

I don't remember much about being three years old, but I do remember wanting PJ Sparkles with my entire toddler being. I will never forget that Santa hid that doll behind the couch in my parents' family room-- I tore open the paper and was officially as happy as I'd ever been. Or so I'm guessing, since I remember it so well today. I'm guessing this would be the happy memory that would help make my patronus. (I'm such a NERD.)


1990 - Cupcake Dolls

Best. Dolls. Ever.They smelled like cupcakes. When you were done playing with them, they rolled up so that they looked like cupcakes. I mean, it was a LITTLE weird that they didn't have any legs or anything, but if I could roll up like that, I totally would!


1994 - "The Lion King" Soundtrack & the Polly Pocket Victorian Mansion

Christmas 1994 was quite possibly the most epic Christmas ever. I didn't get just one favorite present, but TWO. The Lion King soundtrack was my first CD. I don't even think that I owned a disc man or a CD player, but who cares? My first compact disc was 12 songs of academy-award winning glory. 
Do I even need to say anything about the Polly Pocket Victorian Mansion? There was no greater (or more choke-able) toy in the '90s than Polly, and this was no heart-shaped house. It was a full, multi-story mansion. Even as I type this, I can feel the joy spreading from my heart to this post. Oh yeah. I'm that serious.


1999 - Bass Guitar

I loved my bass guitar, and though I don't play it any more, I still have it and it gives me warm fuzzies. Years of playing crappy Blink 182 covers and "Barracuda" in my friend Amanda's basement were too fun for words. Watch out for a Miffed Papas reunion tour. It will be even more terrible than the first time around. :)


2002 - Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker

Alright, this is by no means my favorite Zelda game. BUT it was the first Zelda game that was MINE, ALL MINE! Not to be too nerdy, but all of my life I remember my family playing Zelda together, so whenever I hear about Link or Hyrule or Zelda, it makes me really happy. 


2004 - Light Up Gumball Machine (with Jelly Beans)

I'll be honest, I didn't have this gumball machine for very long, but I don't know any gift that made me laugh harder-- and I LOVE to laugh! It was my first Christmas with my college floormates and my roommate got me this. She couldn't find any gumballs, so I had to rock the entire thing back and forth about a million times before one would make it to the bottom. I don't care if it doesn't sound funny, it was HILARIOUS.


2009 - "The Office" Desk Calendar

Firstly, I'm not entirely sure why I imagined myself to have a crappy flip phone in 2009, but it's probably right. I was late on the smartphone train.
My friend Renee bought me a desk calendar for Christmas... Unfortunately, we didn't see each other and remember to bring our gifts until about June. We laughed for hours reading through quotes from the Office until we got caught up to the right date. (Okay, in reality, I think we just made it through the month of January and then I ripped off the big chunk, but still, lots of laughs.)


2006-Present - Ornaments

 I love traditions, I love the feeling of having roots, and I love nostalgia. Since 2006, my college friends and I have exchanged ornaments with one another instead of other gifts. Some years the ornaments are kitschy, some years they are fancy, but they're always heartwarming. It always tears me up to put up my tree and see all of those memories. Besides, my tree looks AWESOME.


2011 (anticipated) - THE BEST GIFT EVER!!!

So maybe I'm jumping the gun, but I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want this. It is a MAGIC WAND and a universal remote control. Say what?! Oh, yes. I need this. Just buy me an Amazon.com giftcard and email it to me. I can take it from there. ;)
**UPDATE** Holy schnikes, my friends Cory & Katrina got it for me and it is EVEN MORE AWESOME than I ever imagined!!! BEST CHRISTMAS EVER (and it hasn't even happened yet)!

Happy Awkward Holidays Vol. 1

I'll spare you all the "I'm not dead" comments because I'm assuming you all realize that this blog isn't epic enough to warrant posthumous publishing. If it was, I'll be honest-- you would see a LOT of half drawn stick people and probably wonder to yourself "Wow, how could it possibly take that long to draw such rudimentary characters?" Well, you Negative Nancy, my stick people have character and that takes time, dagnabbit! I am a very busy lady and shame on you for judging me.


Don't take that too seriously, darlings, you know I love you merely because you're reading this right now. 


At any rate, the holidays are a time for family and family typically means general hot mess-ness. In true LeeAnne fashion, my Thanksgiving was out of control. You won't believe it, but I'm telling you now that what you are about to see is based on actual events.


I expected a small Thanksgiving. I was on-duty for work, so I couldn't travel any further than my sister's house for the holiday. My brother had to work, making the dinner party even smaller. I cherish my family time, though, so I was happy regardless.


What I got, however, was something entirely different. The only warning I got to prepare me for the Thanksgiving that we had was the smallest of comments from my sister, so quiet and so brief I almost thought I didn't hear it: "I don't know how many people are coming to dinner today."


Huh. How can you not know how many people are coming to dinner? It's dinner! You have to cook for it, and cooking usually involves knowing how many people are eating. It's pretty simple, really.

Oh yeah, ALL of those people were at Thanksgiving. The cartoon was so large that blogger wouldn't let me post it at original size (the width of this post). Even at a smaller size, you still had to commit to scrolling alllllll the way down the table.


In reality, we didn't fit around one table, but who has the patience to draw two dining tables and a kitchen counter? 


It was quite possibly the most awkward Thanksgiving I ever had.


My sister has been divorced for a while now, and I haven't seen the EX's family really since. No bad blood, just that awkward we're-not-really-family-anymore business. I mean, I'm facebook friends with my sister's ex-sister-in-law. That's practically REAL friendship!!!


Even so, the awkwardness was compounded by the fact that my sister's "friend" came to dinner. And didn't know that all of those ex-in-laws were coming. Bless his heart, I don't know how he did it.


Fortunately, my sister's "friend" recorded it all on a camera he mounted on the wall that took photos of us every 10 seconds. Nothing like a time lapse video to truly encompass all that awkward.


The worst part of it all: We expected only eight people at dinner-- four people and four half-people*, really. (*Also known as "children.") We only expected eight people, then all those other people showed up, and WE STILL HAD LEFTOVERS.


Thank goodness for our gluttony.